'Tis the season and all that. Now that we're on the cusp of December it's time to embrace, or more likely be forced to wear the uniform of the festive period; the banteriffic, purposefully crapper-the-better Christmas Jumper, and your beloved football club has you covered by crowbarring their logo onto a snowy back-drop of knitted goodness.
The Christmas Jumper is the modern-day Jesus to the festive month, the sole reason for this whole celebration. Look closely into that Bethlehem stable on that fateful night and you'll see a Shepherd wearing a "I'm forever blowing baubles" Official West Ham Pullover. Three Wise Men carrying Gold, Frankincense, and a Port Vale Official Xmas Snow Globe. Anyway, here are our top 25 this year. Is 25 too many? Yes. It most definitely is. Are we going to rank them in order? Absolutely not.
Bayern Munich – We'll kick things off with a strong effort in terms of quality from Bayern Munich. A giant bear dressed as Santa Claus leaping with glee through a snowy forest. A typical scene. Look at the sheer Chistmassy delight on the face of Jerome Boateng. €49.95 and it's all yours. 7/10
Bournemouth – Teams that wear red always slide into the chaos of Christmas replica land that bit easier. For Bournemouth they've gone for some Christmas cherries which makes sense, being nicknamed the Cherries and that. One of few clubs that can pull this off without slapping a club logo on the front. £25 for nice boys and girls. 8/10
Brighton – Picture of Glen Murray wearing a Santa Hat, the words 'Have a Murray Christmas' written underneath, a few snowflakes and a crescent moon. Brighton you're sorted for next year. No more of this, please. £20 if you know a Brighton fan that you don't like, or anyone else for that matter. 2/10
Chelsea – Chelsea Elfie. Like it. Love a bit of festive rhyming. Would we buy it? Maybe. Would we buy one that said Gold, Frankirby and Myrrh? We'd buy 5. £24 if you wanna take a selfie in your Chelsea Elfie. 6/10
Everton – Something about Everton Mints, Humbugs, White Christmas, nope Blue Christmas. There's just about enough here to warrant making a Christmas Jumper. Chuck a load of trees on it to consolidate the Christmas link. Done. £17.50 and you can wear it to Burnley away on Boxing Day. Lovely. 5/10
Nottingham Forest – £28 this one and only available in kids sizes. You can tell it's a kids one because they've censored out the male reindeer's baubles. Actually quite like this one, bonus marks for trying something different, Forest. 8/10
Fulham – Nice this, very festive. Loving the whole death-threat-note-covered-in-blood vibe. You'll part with £25 if you so feel obliged to. 3/10
Juventus – Do we have any idea what 'Level Up For Xmas' means? No we don't. But this is a mighty fine Christmas Jumper. A warming amount of graphics with snowflakes scattered throughout. It's not even bad-good. It's just good. Part of the profits go to 'Save The Children' too, and you'd hope so at €54.90. 9/10
Leicester City – Replace the 'Merry Christmas' with 'Jame Vardy's having a Christmas Party, bring your vodka and your turkey'. Replace the fox with a picture of Vardy unshaven, swigging from a bottle of Smirnoff 5 days into his tactical Christmas red card suspension he picked up a week previous. That's what the kids want to see. Not foxes. Foxes are boring. If you don't think foxes are boring then it's all yours for £25. 5/10
Liverpool – Fulham's but slightly less crap, and much less bloody. £30. 5/10
Man United – Rudolph, yes, Peter Schmeichel, yes, Alex Ferguson, yes. Santa Claus, no. So many choices of genuine red nosed faces to put on a Christmas Jumper. Wrong choice was made here. £24, this one. 5/10
Norwich City – This is a play on words on the opening lines of the club song "On the Ball City" – get used to explaining that because you're gonna be spending most the festive period explaining that it has nothing to do with Delia Smith. Nice ribbed cuffs mind. This little number retails at £29.95. 6/10
PSG – Even Paris Saint-Germain's Santa is hyped up. Doing the Mbappe celebration in what we can only assume are limited edition collaborative sunglasses. A lot of effort here. They even got Edinson Cavani to model it and he's far happier about that than Jerome Boateng was. Price tag of €55. 9/10
Real Madrid – Disappointing and underwhelming. If nothing else the Real Madrid Christmas Jumper complements the teams' season so far perfectly. £24.50 if you're bothered. 3/10
Gareth Southgate – This will give the lads a laugh on National Christmas Jumper day you think to yourself. It's 6pm on a Friday, you've all been excited to crack out your special jumpers for post-work drinks. You walk into the pub, all five of your mates are also wearing it as the smug smiles turn to embarrassment. It's 2am, you're nine pints deep, arms spread out signing 'Southgate You're the One' to Atomic Kitten. "If only Harry Kane had squared it Sterling" you slur into the ear of the barman. "Bar's closed" he replies. Anyway it's £35.99 and we like it. 8/10
Tottenham – Something about Tottenham's season going downhill around the Christmas period? Meh, dunno. If you like skiing reindeers and Spurs then you're in luck for £20. 5/10
Aston Villa – It's beginning to look a lot like a disappointing Christmas if a glimpse of this appears through the wrapping paper. Make an "All I Want For Xmas is Carew" jumper right now and watch the sales roll in. £16 for this one. 3/10
Arsenal – Yeah we could have featured one of their actual Christmas Jumpers, and we were about to until we stumbled across this absolute beauty on their official club store. Anyone else picturing Emmanuel Eboue wearing this unbuttoned while sipping a Pina Colada from a coconut shell on a sun lounger? He's just winked at you as you walked past. Keep walking. £35 for these summer xmas vibes. 8/10
West Ham – Finally, a good old fashioned Christmas pun-related jumper with player involvement too. Solid work West Ham. At £30 they ain't cheap but they do go up to XXXXL so get your money's worth. 8/10
Watford – Yes this is just a Santa outfit with a Watford badge on it. Probably 'cos "The bells are ringing out for Andre Grey" or "Ding Dong Cleverley on High" or "Last Christmas I Gave you Cathcart" was too much effort, or production costs or whatever. £26 this one goes for. 3/10
LAFC & LA Galaxy – If you receive this then there's two possible explanations: The first is that your family hate you. The second is that you've done some seriously dark stuff throughout the year to reach the very top of the naughty list. The worst thing about it? MLS have made one for every single one of their clubs. Oh, and they're charging you actual money to wear one – nearly $60. 1/10
Atlanta & Vancouver – A couple of questions here. Why is the sky brown on the Atlanta jumper? And why does the Vancouver jumper feature the Avengers? Our third question was going to be why is the Atlanta jumper $90 – then we found out it has built in bluetooth speakers. So our fourth question is why does it have built in bluetooth speakers? An accumulative score of 5/10.
Wolves – Yeah you could wear a non-branded generic Christmas jumper from any high street store, but you may as well burn your Wolves season ticket while screaming obscenities about Steve Bull. Are you a real fan or not? Then buy the damn jumper, even if it does look like a £1 scratch card. Cough up £30. 3/10
Bonus Round: If you're buying any of the above Christmas jumpers as a gift for a special someone this year, then don't forget to pick up a Cardiff City Official Christmas Sprouts Card.
Feeling festive yet? No? Play some Michael Bublé through your Atlanta United Christmas Jumper. That'll get you going.
