Football is a game of cruel emotions. Anger, disappointment, frustration, helplessness. But, every now and again, there's a glorious high, a priceless ecstacy. Nothing, and we can't stress this highly enough, NOTHING, is better in this fine old planet we call Earth than seeing a goalkeeper trudge upfield for a stoppage time corner.
All hope is lost, it's the last throw of the dice, the last round at last chance saloon. But the door creaks opens, there's a man stumbling towards the bar clutching a wallet of potential heroism and gloves of glory. He looks worried, unsure of his surroundings, he stumbles towards the box like new-born deer cut off from his herd, lost, cold, alone, in unknown territory, before rising unmarked and nodding one in at the back post. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the true meaning of life.
So this is for you, the 95th minute glove wearing, shirt-untucked maverick. A legend that this week goes by the name of Oscarine Masuluke, which quite literally translates to "Fucking hero" in English. With his side Baroka FC trailing 1-0 to Orlando Pirates and with stoppage time up, this offbeat opportunist took matters into his own hands. (See below)
No one could have anticipated that happening, no one except Oscarine Masuluke, who absolutely knew exactly what was about to go down the moment he burst out of box, leaving the door wide open before making a bee-line to greatness. For Oscarine Masuluke, has dreamt about this from the moment he was told he was too shit to play on pitch. And it was that moment he started plotting his plan. Look at that celebration, that's not instinctive. That's years of planning, years of biding his time, waiting for a chance to unleash glory, waiting for that one time where his actions, not his words, shouted loudly, "fuck you, I could have been a striker if I wanted to."
Oscarine Masuluke isn't alone in god-like status in football. He is now a glorified son of the Stoppage Time Goalscoring Goalkeepers Association (STGGA™). There are certain rules to respect when a goalkeeper comes up for a corner. One of which, the key one, Orlando admirably respected. The first rule of goalscoring keepers – NEVER mark the goalkeeper. He won't score. I've marked the same man all game. Who marks the goalkeeper? No one does. It's a rule. Other rules will become apparent further into this article, some of which Masuluke broke. Here's our selection of Masuluke's STGGA™ brothers becoming footballing immortals.
Peter Schmeichel vs Rotor Volgograd. This is a man who scored eleven goals in his career. Peter Schmeichel needed no invitation to go up for a corner – the commentary explains how this was his fourth attempt of the game. Rotor expertly respecting the golden "Don't mark the keeper rule" here. And, with this finish comes another rule. Rule 7B: A goalkeeper can claim any goal he or she got a touch on, heavy deflections from opposition or teammates are completely invalid, and those deflectors should never attempt to celebrate alone. Bonus rule in here: Always jog very slowly towards the box and signal to the corner taker. "Hang it up son, I'll do the rest." Notice how he runs faster back towards his own box, he's safe now.
Ali Ahamada vs Rennes. All goalkeeper goals must be scored in the most unorthodox fashion, something Ahamada achieves with his falling backwards header. All goals must be 94th minute or later. Tick. Goalkeeper must go bat shit crazy, jumping into crowd optional. Tick. Sure, he could have taken the free-kick himself and let an outfield player go into the box, but where's the fun in that?
Marwin Hitz vs Bayer Leverkusen. The boy couldn't by any more unmarked. Completely invisible and ghosts in. Golden rule met. There's a contradiction of other rules, though. As much as Hitz wants to celebrate, he can't resist the allure of his own box, he's drawn to it like a magnetic pull, fighting off team mates to make it back home safely.
Martin Hansen vs PSV. It's far more fun when the underdog bags the goal. Here's ADO Den Haag's Martin Hansen reducing grown men to tears with an outrageous back-heel. Unmarked, obviously. Does it matter than he's the tallest player on the pitch and unmarked? Of course not. Because, goalkeepers don't score. Another rule here: All equalisers must be celebrated as if they're winners.
Mart Poom vs Derby. Fuck PogBOOM. This is MartBOOM. Bullet header. Head down, get back in goal. Our favourite ever Estonian goalscoring goalkeeper by a mile.
Fabio Coltorti vs Darmstadt 98. Coltorti couldn't resist the urge to stand as close to the middle of the goal as possible, for that's all he's ever known. Until he popped up with a last minute winner to keep Leipzig's promotion hopes alive. Enough time to trap it, turn around, count to ten and slot it home. As the ball comes in it looks like he's woken up after a heavy night out, been bundled out of the boot of a car, un-blindfolded and released into the middle of the penalty box, having no idea which way he's shooting. Luckily he figured it out.
Jimmy Glass vs Plymouth. Carlisle United needed a win on the last day of the season to stay in the Football League. Up pops on-loan goalkeeper Jimmy Glass in stoppage time. Absolute magic. This is the moment the world peaked. Everything else has slowly gone to shit since then.
We salute you, the Stoppage Time Goalscoring Goalkeeper. Never again need you ask for permission to trot forward. The destiny is in your gloves. If you feel it, get in the mixer. We say remain unmarked, claim anything that comes near you. Keep shinning it, kneeing it, scuffing it. Take the free header off your striker's noggin. Celebrate like it's the only goal you'll ever score. Because, you know what? It probably will be.
