It's that special time of the year again. The time of year when your football club can stick their logo on just about any mundane item and label it as a Christmas stocking filler. The 'Gifts & Accessories' page on the official online club store delivers time and time again, it's a playground of unwanted junk that your Auntie bought, wrapped and put your name on sometime in early November. Here are 15 of our favourites...
All the brilliant monstrosities below have been taken from the official club store of each respected Premier League team. Signed off and stamped with the official label. Every self respecting football fan knows that it's full bonus points for any product with absolutely no connection to football at all. If our Christmas stocking was rammed full of these 15 items, and these 15 items only, we'd be very happy. Confused, but happy.
Brighton Snow Globe – When do you buy someone a snow globe? Christmas Day feels too late. Any earlier and it's kinda like "Why are you buying me a snow globe?". Snow Globes are birthday presents for people born in early December. But not this one, it doesn't have any snow in it.
Stoke City 6" Ruler – At one point this ruler matched Stoke's direct, uncreative, safe, and route one football perfectly. Unsurprisingly it's still in stock from the Tony Pulis days. The description on the club site says it all: "6" red ruler. Printed white 'Stoke City FC' across the middle". Done. Merry f*****g Christmas.
Crystal Palace Connect 4 – Forget everything you knew about the traditional board game 'Connect 4', and then remember it again because Crystal Palace Connect 4 is exactly the same. Ironically it's the players who are struggling to connect four this season, passes that is.
Crystal Palace Ice Scraper – Are you really a true Crystal Palace supporter if you scrape the ice off your windscreen with an unbranded ice scraper? No. No you're not.
West Ham United Hammer – We see what they've done here. Nothing is more manly than doing some Christmas hammering with your Hammers Hammer....
West Ham United Lip Balm – ... and then soothing those cracked winter lips with your Hammers lip balm.
West Brom Tape Measure – Do you like West Brom? Do you like measuring stuff? If you answered yes to both of those questions then consider Christmas sorted.
Liverpool Men's Aftershave – No spray, no way Liverpool are finishing top four? No splash, no cash to buy a fully functioning centre half? What exactly does Liverpool FC smell like? We'd guess at a mixture of blind optimism and the inside of Kenny Dalglish's car. Perhaps it exists because Emporio Armani and Paco Rabanne are too difficult to understand in a scouse accent?
Burnley Sky TV Remote Control – If Burnley are on TV it's probably a Monday night, it's probably against West Brom, and it's probably going to be 0-0. It ain't Super Sunday, and it ain't selling many subscriptions. It ain't selling many Burnley Sky TV Remote Controls either.
Newcastle United Post Shave Moisturiser – Mike Ashley knows a thing or two about flogging bargain bucket sporting goods. Lonsdale tracksuits, Slazenger socks, and discount boots for the kid that hates P.E to do P.E in. It's good to see the theme continue into the Newcastle club store. Moisturising your face with anything other than Newcastle United Post Shave Moisturiser is seen as the highest form of treason in the North East. If you even so dare to glance at a tub of Nivea you'll be banished into eternal darkness in the realms of hell... or even worse, Sunderland.
Swansea Eraser – No, sorry Swans fans, it can't erase the first half of your season. But it can erase that Christmas list which is obviously no longer needed.
Swansea Musical Egg Timer - Sick of timing your eggs on the kitchen clock in perfect silence? Behold, the Swansea Musical Egg Timer you never knew you needed.
Man City Sergio Aguero Eekeez – Sergio Aguero bounding through on your goal is a terrifying sight for any football fan. A giant-headed Sergio Aguero carved out of wood, sat on your desk staring at you all day with a psychedelic look in his eyes is a terrifying sight for any member of the human race.
Spurs Jelly Babies – Or... half a packet of normal Jelly Babies for twice the price with a Tottenham sticker stuck squint on the packaging. They must be tasty though, every time Harry Kane talks he seems to have a mouth full of them.
Huddersfield Town Tea Bags – If there's two things a Yorkshireman likes, it's a cup of tea and a good bargain. £3 for 80 Huddersfield Town tea bags works out at 26p per cup of tea. Don't expect these to hang around for much longer.
Arsenal Kanu Match Worn Shirt Keyring – An actual piece of the actual shirt actual Kanu actually wore in the Arsenal Legends vs Milan Glorie game. Cut up an put into an actual keyring. Cos, Christmas init.
That's the Premier League done. Not a patch on Europe though – we might explore that further if we can bothered. Anything we've missed? Name and shame below.
