Christmas is rapidly approaching, and now that we’ve got that pesky lockdown out of the way in the UK, attention will inevitably turn to getting those all important gifts. And this here is a list of what to avoid for your loved ones – or what to get for those you’re less keen on but still have to get a present for…
We’ve scoured each club’s bespoke 'Christmas Gifts' category page on their respective online stores to find what is, quite frankly, the shittest march around. These are the types of gifts you receive for secret Santa if the person giving literally only knows which club you support and nothing else about you. You know, like old Margaret in accounts. Hearts in the right place, but you’re going to have to put on your best smile and thanks when you open them – we’re talking Oscar-worthy performance levels here. If your team is not represented then be thankful... it's because they genuinely didn't have anything that bad. Unlike...
Arsenal Rubiks Cube – £10
Honestly, who likes Rubiks cubes? Initially it seems like a great idea, but that soon wears off as you twist and turn yourself into an ever more maddening rage because you can only complete that one side. Also looks like you can't even peel the stickers off with this one.
Aston Villa Christmas Santa Puff Soft Toy – £10
Why is jolly old Saint Nick so angry? Is it because he's been forced into wearing an Aston Villa hat? Unless this isn't Santa at all, and rather it's that strange smelling chap who lingers on the corner at the end of the road. Just don't look directly in those eyes...
Chelsea Tammy Abraham 20-21 Broken Wall Sticker – £32
Firstly, if you had a view of Stamford Bridge like that, you'd just get a window – No need to break the wall, Tammy. Secondly, can you imagine the nightmares you're likely to induce in your kids when they wake up in the middle of the night to see Abraham staring over them?
Crystal Palace Aftershave – £19.99
We have to admit, we're intrigued as to exactly what "Crystal Palace" smells like. We imagine it to be a mixture of body odour, urine, beer, cigarettes, but with that teasingly desirable scent of a burger van underlying it all.
Everton Unicorn Soft Toy – £15
Now, if this was a present for your little daughter, we'd totally understand. Quite sweet really. But this was located in the "Gifts for Him" section on the Toffee's web store. Not feeling the magic there.
Fulham Manicure Set – £12
Before long we'll all be back in the stadiums cheering our respective teams on, and you'll want to look your best when you get back to Craven Cottage, right? Then look no further than this handy, pocket-sized manicure set. Sure no one will look at you funny while you give yourself a quick clip and prim during the game.
Leicester City Burleighs Gin – £35
The unique dry gin, created by Burleighs Gin Master Distiller Jamie Baxter, pays homage to Leicestershire’s culture and diversity and is distilled with botanicals steeped in the history of the county’s food and drink to create a powerful spiced flavour. Looks like we know what's on the menu at the next Vardy party.
Liverpool Red Rubber Duck – £7
It's a red rubber duck... and it costs the best part of a tenner...
Manchester City 4 Double Sided Jigsaw Puzzles with 10 Colouring Pens – £15
So you can build these puzzles, then flip them over and colour them in, break them up and then build them again? Nah thanks, be alright. It's OK though, because the description says "Capable of being used on all devices", so there you go.
Manchester United Remington Colour Cut Clipper – £22
Manchester United's partnership with Remington is still a thing then... and among the cavalcade of electrical items splashed with the United logo are these handy hair clippers. Just in case you need to remind everyone who you support while cutting hair.
Newcastle United Crest Hangers – £5
While you can't argue with the price – and let's face it, who doesn't need hangers – you would surely be a tad disappointed to open this up on Christmas Day.
Southampton Twin Pack Toothbrush – £5
Just the thing that all Saints fans never knew they needed! And you get two, so if you know a couple of Southampton fans, that's them taken care of for £2.50 a pop. Bargain.
Spurs Dele Alli Brxlz – £15
Would you have honestly known that this was meant to be Dele Alli if it didn't come with the name? Appreciate it's built of bricks, but come on...
West Ham Blowing Bubbles Cheese Board – £20
Christmas just wouldn't be complete without rolling out a cheese board in the evening. And Hammers fans appear to be in luck this year, with a club branded board, complete with the lyrics to I'm forever blowing bubbles, so you can also learn all the words and not just mumble after "pretty bubbles in the air".
Merry Christmas, and remember to shop responsibly people...
